Tuesday, 26 April 2011 17:43

Beating a Dead Horse

Written by  Jax

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How many dead horses must a lesbian beat before she realizes it is well and truly gone. I see how women get themselves into the same situation over and over and over. It's like they don't realize you have to unload all your bad baggage before you get yourself into a new relationship. How can you possibly have a healthy and happy relationship with someone when you are still carrying luggage from the past? And as we all know, some of that luggage can be pretty darn heavy to bear.

Jumpers are those lesbians that go from one relationship to the next in a nano-second without giving themselves time to decompress. I've done it myself. It's called rebound. I know for sure my second and possibly my third relationships were rebounds. The second one for sure. I was so angry at my first gf for cheating that I got involved with someone else almost immediately (3 months) after the first one ended. I just needed there to be someone who could make me feel good. Make me feel like i was worthwhile. Make me feel like i was actually worth something. I honestly thought i loved this second one but all i loved was feeling better through her. and truth be told, i really didn't feel better. i never gave myself that opportunity to heal, to mourn, to cry. My anger surged me forward into the arms of someone else. So needless to say it didn't work out either.

How could i count on someone else to make things right when they weren't right within me? So from that relationship i went into the next one (3 months later again) and of course that didn't work out either. I have a thing for finding cheaters. Or maybe they find me. Maybe I have that Big L on my forehead (and no, not Lesbian) so they gravitate towards idiots like me.


It has been a month since i have been in a relationship and become single again. I plan to take a good long time to examine and discover what it is about me that misses the warning signals, the bell that is supposed to make me sit up and go "huh?". I know i have had those bad feelings inside, like i know something is all wrong. But I'm not good at listening to it. At all. Maybe that's the optimistic side of me or maybe, and possibly more truthfully, it is the idiot side of me. I never want to believe bad things are going on. Maybe its because i do not cheat, or lie or get physically violent with anyone. So when these things happen to me its hard to conceive that someone can act so heinously. I'm glad to say this didnt happen this last go-round. I finally found someone who didnt cheat,,, she just wasn't in to me.


Jumping from one relationship to the next is so unhealthy. Going into a new relationship clear of sorrow and hurt is such a beautiful thing to give a new partner. Unencumbered by the past can make for a decent and loving future.


There are so many lesbians who return to old partners. I haven't done that but i sure have seen a lot of women who do. Almost like re-wearing a comfy old sweatshirt that, even if it doesn't fit properly, still smells of the fabric softener of the old relationship. It's a comfort zone. I don'tknow if they expect things to miraculously be better the second, third or fourth (fifth?) time around. Is she not going to be a drunk this time?? Is she not going to be an abuser still? Is she finally over all the hurt from the past she brought into the new relationship when you first started out??? Nothing heals the past but time and reflection.

I own a ton of responsibility in my relationships tanking, how they tanked and why they tanked. I should have been more aware, eyes opened wider, senses heightened. I know i will for the next one. I wont be so naive, so blind. I think it's always best to go through four seasons with a new person before you jump in with both feet. Then you can see them in every element and every type of situation. See how they react to simple problems. How they treat your family and friends. How they treat their own family and friends. Don't fully relax until your heart and soul says to you "you are safe with this one. This is one you can give your life to and be happy and healthy. They care about you and what happens to you. They care about themselves. They are self-respecting and adoring of you." Really,,,nothing less is acceptable.


Being single gives you time to clear the cobwebs of the past from your future-thinking brain. You can come and go as you please with no stresses of having to consider anyone else. It is a pleasurable freedom. I am revelling in it now and look so forward to an unencumbered summer. If i want to get out and go to Niagara Falls by myself and enjoy its beauty i don't have to call anyone and tell them i am going. I don't have to lay in bed wondering what it was i said or did to make her so pissed at me. I don't have to be pissed at anyone either. Life is free and spirited and vibrant. I really want me some of that!! I can have parties or not. I can watch tv at night or not. I can sit for hours on the computer or not. I can sit and do nothing or not. It's just pure joy.

Thanks to the lovely ladies who shared their stories with me on their relationships. I was surprised by the levels of maturity in how some gals end their relationships. It's invigorating to think that, perhaps, we are really getting it together in this lesbian community.  These gals give me hope.


Living in the moment,

Jax

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