Okay kids, let's skip along to Relationships 101 class. All those who think relationships are easy raise their hand.... hmmm,, I think I spot a lone hand sort-of in the air in the last row. Gooooood on ya. Glad you find them easy. Perhaps enlighten the rest of us as to how to make them easy. Or I'd even be satisfied with easier.
After a six-month relationship I find myself single again and have done some serious thinking about relationships in the past three weeks since. We all have a part in the tanking of the relationships we find ourselves in and I wanted to figure out where I personally went wrong. I don't like repeating mistakes so examining under my microscope the workings of the ins and outs of what was good and what wasn't seems important. Previous to this relationship I was single for quite some time. I am not a relationship-jumper, as I think you carry around a far heavier burden of baggage if you do jump from one gal to another quickly.
I loved this woman enough to drop all walls (a major MAJOR thing for me) and let love flow freely. For the first time I loved deeply and honestly. I opened my heart completely because I wanted this to work, to be the one. I truly believed in us. And I very much believed in her. I still do. She is a good person. But I can see now, after my examination, of why there isn't an US anymore. We spoke a different language. It wasn't that there wasn't love there. We just weren't on the same wavelength. When she told me this I was incredulous. I was so into her that to be told I wasn't was a face-slapper. At the time she dumped me I was at my happiest. I looked forward to a future with her, watching us both grow old, side-by-side. My friends could see, for the first time, how happy I was and how devoted I actually could be. I was so proud of myself for this devotion. I stepped up in ways I never have before and gave it my whole heart.
The key to a happy and enduring relationship, I think, is that both sides have to be on that same wavelength, speak the same language and not assume everything is well for the other side. My language of love to her wasnt the language of love her ears and heart could hear. It is nothing against me and certainly nothing against her. It showed me that you can be completely happy with someone and think they are happy too, but in the end, it's not at all what you thought you had. That was a huge surprise for me. I had to honestly realize that what was good for me was torture for her. My language of love was not received how I thought it was being received. I like to find a lesson in all things, especially relationships, and my lesson in this is that you have to constantly check in. And I don't mean just asking "you still good with this?" and hope she says yes. It's important to really listen and take cues. I think I missed some vital ones and failed to put out some of my own when I needed to. Because I was so in love I felt she was too. All the cues I could see told me that but I was very wrong. I need some new glasses. You can love someone with all your heart and soul but if it isn't beling received on the other end then that love you have is never going to be enough.
I've been through the mill when it comes to relationships and felt somewhat jaded and gun-shy when she approached me last fall but after a few dates I told myself to drop all walls and just be fully open and receptive and support her endeavours to the point where she could be herself and free to do the things that were/are important to her. It felt good to be this open-wide person I have never been and I liked the way it looked on me. The glowing face, the smile, the starry eyes. Everyone noticed a difference. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know for the next time I can do it,,be open, receptive, and this was one lesson I am so cherishing. I didnt think I had it in me to be that complete partner, no holds barred, face front and centre, and give all of me to one person. I always believed you should hold some heart back in order to persevere through an inevitable breakup. I don't believe that anymore.. If you don't go into something with a fully open heart it is doomed from the beginning. And I know some of you are saying "but when i do that my heart ends up trampled". Yeah, that happens a lot doesn't it? I think that if you hold some in reserve you are underestimating what could be a healthy relationship. If you serve dinner and don't let your guests have mashed potatoes with their roast beef the meal really isn't complete is it? You cant hold back on the gravy and expect the meal to taste as good. Just sayin'.
I had dinner with a friend last night and she is also dealing with a breakup, one she initiated and later regretted. Her situation was another example of language-disconnect. She was speaking one language and her gal was speaking another,,yet they both, for a long time, thought they were speaking the same one. It's really making me think about the things we say to our loved one and how our words are perceived. My downfall was saying what i felt in my heart and then genuinely believing that it was being heard the way I meant it. I didnt check in to see if my words were interpreted how I needed them to be interpreted. I just assumed they were. So when she told me I didnt see her how she was she, in the end, was right. I didnt. The love in my heart was so out there, so visible, so undeniable, that how on earth could she not see it? Not feel it?? I am eternally grateful for this lesson I am now learning about love languages for I dont intend to make the same errors twice and know that in my next relationship I will ask more, and not just assume. But the lesson in this journey that I find priceless for me is that i showed myself I really do have it in me, to love, be wide-open and receptive to receiving the same. I will never hold back again and hope for the best. Thats not the right way to give your heart. I cant believe this is me sayign this but it is. Good for me. Good for the next one.
I find relationships facinating,,how they work, how they dont work, how they can be fixed, whats futile. I am interested in what gals think are deal-breakers. Please feel free to comment, add your thoughts, what works for you, what lessons you have learned along the lesbian way. We can be a cruel community to our partners, our exes, ourselves. And we can be beautiful and kind and caring. We are a paradox of so many things.
At the end of the day relationships should not be hard. Class dismissed for the day....
Journeying along, sisters!