Once again, welcome back, kittens. Twas a lovely vacation, and I don't know about you, but I sure missed my healthy dose of fake, not-related-to-me drama! Let's dive right in!
“Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres,” what a beautiful, albeit misspelled (Hello, Arizona’s name is Robbins) name! 1lb, 1oz?! I think I’ve eaten hamburgers bigger than this tough little baby! Damn, now I want a hamburger… Aaaaand, I’m back. Cristina, Bailey, and Arizona are cheering Callie on as she attempts to straighten her fingers, and this makes me simultaneously excited and upset. As Arizona reassures her, “You’re re-building your brain” Marc bursts in with a “baby report” (and a fist-bump for Arizona...what a difference a baby makes, huh?) complete with pictures on his phone for Callie. Baby Sofia hasn’t opened her eyes and her brain is still bleeding, but it’s apparently only “grade one”. Also, she stopped breathing, but only once! These are the milestones her parents are celebrating and if I continue on in this vein, I will devolve into a puddle, which will be of no use or interest to you, dear kittens, so I will refrain.
Alex and Owen are treating Gladys, a petulant old woman who seems to want to play a strong round of the blame game. Well, as it turns out, Gladys is a big smoker who doesn’t seem to understand the Surgeon General’s warning on the side of the tiny box in her purse. She continues to point fingers as I exclaim (much to the chagrin of my already sleeping roommate) is that Doris Roberts?! Yes, yes it is. I know everyone pretty much knows her as Mrs. Barone on “Everybody Loves Raymond” but I’m partial to Grandma Lilly in “Grandma’s Boy” (if you haven’t seen it, stop reading right now and go add it to your Netflix queue).
Down at the first floor nurses’ station April attempts to tell Dr. Stark about their caseload for the day, but he blows her off because of his “broken heart” (or bruised ego, whatever floats your goat) which gives Meredith the opportunity to congratulate April on proving that the man has one in the first place. The Chief brings a heaping dose of awkwardness for breakfast this morning and tries to remain all business with Meredith, even though we all know he is steaming after Adele was denied entry into Derek’s trial. He strolls off, dropping a post-it in his wake, which Meredith retrieves, reads, and then puts on her best worried look. Dun dun dunnnnnnn.
Arizona is busy looking over scans of a little boy from Africa who barely has a chance at survival even with her help, but informs Alex that she won’t be making her scheduled trip for the surgery on account of her very sick baby girl and fiancé. She goes on to say she wishes there were someone to help them, and I begin thinking that this is how they’re going to allow Hot Lucy to leave the show without killing her, driving her crazy, or forcing her out into the parking lot of no return (we miss you, Erica Hahn) since Rachael Taylor has gotten a full-time job as an Angel.
Cristina is checking on Callie’s incision site (one more reason why I am NEVER giving birth, aside from all the beautiful babies already in the world who need good homes) and trying to tell her to take her time recovering instead of risking her life or Sofia’s. Instead of saying that, however, the ever-tactful Cristina Yang says this:
Cristina: She’s mostly tubes and wires. And she looks more like a chicken than a baby. Like a featherless, beakless chicken. You wanna wait til she’s cuter.
Callie’s right, she is the worst godmother ever, but hey, she saved Callie’s life so that’s got to count for something, right? April bursts into the room in a ball of sunshine and smiles exclaiming that Sofia opened her eyes! Apparently she has Callie’s eyes and while shiny, smiley April is blathering on about pictures, Callie falls apart and begins sobbing. Seriously, April? Just spreading the love all over the place, aren’t you? Callie tries to force her way up in order to go see her daughter and Cristina has to calm her down after banishing the little pixie.
Meredith and Derek lose a patient during his initial infusion of the drug they’re using in the trial, leading Derek to decide to shut down the trial himself because they were unable to predict this outcome. Um, hello? You work in a hospital, cutting people’s brains open. You don’t think one or two might die along the way? Where, exactly, did Derek go to medical school? Possibly the same bright, cheery land April seems to have floated in from.
Dr. Stark informs Cristina that it’s impossible for Callie to visit Sofia in the NICU because of the risk of infection that could compromise the poor little girl’s life, despite the godmother’s insistence. He then gives her a light scolding with a large side of snark and breezes off, seemingly annoyed. Avery takes this opportunity to join in the fun, but Cristina tells him that she needs his help. Ruh-roh, this can’t be good. Meredith delivers the deceased patient’s unopened packet to the woman who runs the file room for the trial and sneakily observes as the woman inputs the pin number that unlocks the door marked “Authorized Personnel Only”. Things are about to get interesting, kittens.
Teddy arrives at Hubby Henry’s apartment in what appears to be a less than thrilled mood. The place is a mess and Henry is freaking out, trying to manage his diabetes and figure out whether or not he needs to go to the hospital or just have some juice. He then tells her how amazing she looks and apologizes for interrupting what must’ve been a date. Teddy confirms that she was on a date, but that it was awful and she’s grateful to Henry for pulling her out of it. She also comes bearing cannoli (which really makes me want to take a trip to Little Italy) and wants to gossip a bit about Irwin, her apparently blander than toast date. Let the flirting commence.
Alex gets to Gladys’s room just in time to stop her from lighting a cigarette with her oxygen tube still in her nose and pulling a Mr. O’Malley. Her white blood cell count has gone down so she won’t be getting that discharge she’s been hoping for any time soon which makes her angry and she banishes Alex from her smoky kingdom, leaving him to commiserate with Owen who tries to reel him in a bit. He then asks Alex about his plan in the race to become Chief Resident, extolling the values of the plans of his competitors, which leads Alex to blurt out “African kids!” He tells Owen that he plans on bringing over the kids that Arizona had promised to help in order to give them the medical attention they so desperately need and, even though Owen and Lexie both call him out on pulling it out of his ass, both seem impressed. Let’s see how long that will last.
Cristina comes over to rally the troops in order to exact her plan of world domination! Okay, that’s not true, but wouldn’t that be awesome? In reality (a place I so seldom occupy) the residents have all banded together to make Callie portable in order to bring her to visit Sofia. The loyalty inherent in this group is incredibly admirable, but there were major reasons given for which this could not happen. When will the kids learn to listen? Avery is forced to divert Dr. Bailey away from the monitor parade that the transport has turned into, and the rest successfully wheel Callie up to a window that looks into the NICU. April and Alex gown up in what appear to be pink trash bags and wheel Sofia’s incubator over to the other side of the window. Callie talks to her baby girl for the first time and I get teary. Damn, I’m sappy tonight. Must be the heat.
Meredith enters Derek’s office to fill him in on the family of their deceased patient and her frustration with the fact that they lied about his history of heart problems. Derek tells her that he is trying to find a replacement patient to fill the open slot and Meredith pushes for Adele, the Chief’s wife. Derek restates all the reasons why she doesn’t qualify, but Meredith presents him with the post-it of doom from that morning which reads, “This is Richard. Richard is your husband.” Meredith and Derek have identical sad puppy looks on their faces as we go to commercial. Drama!
This act opens with an update on baby Sofia, “Five weeks, two days 2lbs, 8oz”. I’m happy to see that she’s growing, but this whole text opening makes me nervous since the last time it happened it meant that death was not only certain but close at hand. I hope I’m wrong, or there will be a sever tissue shortage at the market tomorrow. Arizona is in the middle of an argument with one of the physical therapists that Callie has been verbally abusing and tries to placate him, to no avail. Also, she slips in the word “fiancé” at every chance she gets, and it makes me smile enormously every time. Callie tells her that the physical therapists who have quit her case (apparently this guy is the third one in a month, yikes!) are all wimps who haven’t pushed her hard enough. Arizona tries to reassure her bride to be about the wedding, but Callie gets frustrated about not being able to hold Sofia so she kicks a bunch of medicine balls around. Well, if all else fails, she can always play a mean game of soccer!
Alex is presenting his disorganized research to Dr. Stark in hopes of getting his help on the cases in addition to sucking up at every chance he gets. Dr. Stark, though, in his moody blues, shoots down Alex’s proposal by refusing to use his budget as the Chief of Pediatric Surgery on a resident’s plan for promotion. He even goes a step further and challenges Alex’s commitment to the proposal as well as his credibility in terms of carrying out his plans. Professional refusals are one thing, but personal attacks? Hell no. The Alex well all know and are starting to come around to but not quite ready to call it “love” would never stand for this shit. Elsewhere Gladys continues to bitch about supposed mistreatment and bedsores while threatening to sue the hospital and become even richer than she already supposedly is. Light bulb time! Alex decides to pitch his project to her, but she laughs in his face and grabs her oxygen mask.
Meredith and Derek are discussing the possibilities of admitting Adele into the trial and the pros and cons of slipping her the medicine on the side. Derek, of course, ever-upstanding member of the medical community, says they can’t (and is apparently an angel, judging from the way he is back-lit in this scene, practically glowing) but the look on Meredith’s face and her aforementioned sneakiness makes my spidey senses tingle. Scandal!
Dr. Stark is examining Sofia and informing Mark that his daughter needs surgery very soon if she is ever going to be able to breathe on her own. Arizona comes in with news that the doctors she has reached out to are unavailable and, though Stark knows he is not their number one choice, he tells her that he should be the one to perform the procedure. Then he steps way out of line, puts his giant foot in his even more gigantic mouth, and feeds her this line of crap:
Dr. Stark: Although you’re not technically related to the baby, the hospital would have no ethical objection if I’d let you be in the O.R. with me.
Whaaaaaat? Really?! Arizona still has to justify that she is this baby’s mother? Didn’t he watch last week’s episode? Right, they’re living it…well, still! I am one angry lesbian right now! Arizona, on the brink of protesting her parental status, decides to let this one slip by in the interest of being able to observe her daughter’s surgery first-hand. She thanks the butthead and rushes off to tell Callie while Dr. Stark continues his path of misery by telling April that he’s “stuck with” her. I never really liked him to begin with, but this is just ridiculous.
Callie’s new physical therapist, Cristina, has decided it would be advantageous to have her patient (Callie) push her (Cristina) around the hospital on a bed. Okay, I know she’s supposed to be pushing her and everything, but do you know how difficult it is to steer one of those things even when your coordination and muscular responses are completely intact?! This seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me, but hey, whatever works for ya. Callie also invites Meredith to hop on the bed of boot camp and we are given another lovely scene of Meredith and Cristina in bed together. I know, I know, they’re not a couple…or are they??? You’re right, I’m crazy…or am I??? I’m sure you’re annoyed with this tired bit by now…or are you???
I promise to stop that now…mwahahaha.
Cristina continues to complain about Teddy’s neglect (seriously, these people are supposed to be in charge of other people’s lives and they never fail to act exactly like kindergarteners) while Lexie scolds Alex for trying to solicit money from Gladys. The ruckus comes to a screeching halt when Arizona marches up to tell Callie that Sofia needs surgery. As a result of this devastating news (or, more likely, the four laps Callie did around the floor while pushing upwards of three hundred pounds) Callie’s incision site opens up and begins bleeding as she faints into Arizona’s arms. Bailey sews up Callie’s wound and tells Cristina that she couldn’t have stopped Callie if she’d strapped her down, so she should just shut up and pitch in. While Mark comes in for a status update on his BFF, his other baby mama calls him from the NICU where Sofia’s operation is under way. Dr. Stark makes a rude comment about her talking being distracting and Arizona apologizes like a scolded child. I really hate this guy.
Elsewhere, in Gladys’s room Alex breaks out pictures of some of the kids he wants to help, trying to guilt her into supplying him with the necessary funding. No sale, though, as Gladys is just a crotchety old lady who wants to be left alone to die, or possibly to plot all the lawsuits she seems so intent upon filing.
Back in the O.R.’s Bailey is closing Callie’s incision once again as Dr. Stark is about to do something that sounds really scary to baby Sofia’s heart. Just as Mark reports all is well on the mommy front, Sofia’s monitors begin to go crazy and April reports that her (I’m sorry if I get this wrong, but I did the best I could to hear her clearly) PEA ripped. Ouch! The look in Arizona’s eyes in enough to let us know just how serious this is and Mark runs out of Callie’s O.R. to get to his other girls. As it turns out, Dr. Stark got everything under control, but Arizona had stepped out in fear that her daughter was dying and there was nothing she could do to save her. Mark brings her back into the O.R. just in time for the good news that Sofia’s lungs and heart are repaired and working fine. “Everybody’s fine.” Liar.
Lexie tries to help the ever-resistant Gladys who has been asking for Alex non-stop since he left her alone with Lexie, the “ham-fisted twit”. Alex says he will help, but only if Gladys agrees to give him the $100,000 he needs to put his plan into action. Lexie cautions him, but Alex doesn’t stand down too often, and he’s certainly not going to do it now. They negotiate, trade some biting insults, and Gladys agrees to the price, leaving me thinking that Alex may have found his long-lost grandmother. Lexie is shocked, of course, but all’s well that ends well, right?
Henry is on the phone with someone talking about parking and, what do you know, it’s Teddy! She shows up at his door while still on the phone (come on, ladies, don’t pretend like you’ve never done that) gossiping about her awful date and carrying leftovers. The newlyweds break open the takeout container and enjoy some pasta. I wonder where this storyline could be going.
Back at Seattle Grace Mercy Death (okay, I do love Alex for supplying me with my favorite hospital name ever) Alex tells Meredith to meet everyone at Joe’s for a celebratory drink. Spending $100,000 on alcohol that was supposed to go toward helping underprivileged children from a third-world country? Priceless. Alex gets a page telling him that Gladys has died – without writing his check! Raise your hand if you saw that one coming.
As Meredith is making her rounds she spots Adele in the waiting room and decides to have a little chat with the women she wasn’t able to help. Was she really expecting a warm welcome? Adele tells Meredith that she doesn’t want to hear about her side of things and that she had thought she could “live with it”. Turns out Adele thinks she’s talking to Ellis Grey, Meredith’s mom, about her affair with Richard. Meredith realizes this and tries to break through the clouded delusion Adele seems to be trapped in, but it’s no use. Meredith knows what she needs to do, but I have a feeling hubby isn’t going to like it.
12 weeks, 5 lbs, 8 oz and one of the CUTEST babies I have ever seen! She’s stretching and smiling and opening her eyes and has the tiniest little hands you could imagine! (I love babies, deal with it) Callie is there to hold her, finally, and kiss her little forehead and Bailey gives her permission to go home. Callie is ecstatic until she realizes that Bailey was only talking about her and not Sofia. There’s a buzz kill.
In the parking lot Alex gathers all he can from his trailer before a tow truck carts it away because of a slew of unpaid parking tickets. Ah, karma, what a sweet temptress you are. Inside the hospital the Chief wheels Adele around to her first appointment with Meredith and everyone has big smiles on their faces. As a nurse takes Adele in for her MRI the Chief thanks Meredith for her persistence and perseverance throughout his pigheadedness and mistakes.
Alex begins handing out folders on the African children he is trying to help, “Here’s your African kid,” while Lexie, Avery and Cristina enjoy teasing him with everything they’ve got. Arizona rushes over to congratulate Alex on a job well done and spread a bit more of her adorable smileyness before it’s back to being serious and scowly. Lexie tries to reassure Alex, but the latter gets too nervous and runs off to vomit before telling her “I’m in so much trouble.” Why, you ask? Oh, a little something called fraud! Alex over-extended himself and promised things he couldn’t pay for in order to get his project off the ground and is now buried under a mountain of debt and lies that not even Gladys could’ve rescued him from.
Remember when I said Meredith was up to something fishy? Well, get your forks, kittens, because the salmon’s in the pan. She breaks into the locked room where hers and Derek’s patient files are being kept in order to steal the folder out of the file meant for Adele to ensure that she receives the medication and not the placebo. This is some deep, serious business, kittens! No good deed goes unpunished and I can just bet that this punishment is going to majorly outweigh the advantages. Just as Alex almost catches her in the act, Lexie runs up to him with a letter that she says is from a lawyer. In actuality, it’s a check for $200,000 from Gladys’s estate. Yay! No more illegal dealings! No more fraud charges! No more possibility of jail! Well, we are talking about Alex here, so I wouldn’t rule that last one out just yet.
Meredith and Derek begin their procedure on Adele and Meredith looks like the cat that ate the canary. Seriously, if you do something that could possibly lead to the revocation of your medical license, don’t you think you should at least try to play it off like nothing is wrong? Luckily no one seems to notice and Derek is pleased to see that Adele will be receiving the treatment instead of the placebo.
In baby land Dr. Stark tells the mamas and the papa that Sofia is cleared to go home when Callie does, providing she passes one last test without any complications. April takes a moment to tell Dr. Stark that people have noticed his kindness and compassion (it is pretty out of character for him, after all) and that she’s happy that people are finally able to see the Robert she knows. He tells her to call him “Dr. Stark,” clicks his pen, and walks away, leaving April the sad puppy in his wake.
Henry is at home lighting candles when Teddy arrives with pasta, but she can’t stay because she is still on her date, which, by the way, is going swimmingly. Henry is completely crestfallen, but Teddy doesn’t notice (seriously, are they never going to talk about how flirty they were during the musical? Or was that just in Callie’s mind? I’m confused) and flits off to continue her evening of fun, kissing, and other recreational activities.
Back at the hospital everyone is counting down the final seconds of Sofia’s test and she passes with flying colors! Everyone looks ecstatic, except for Callie, who seems to be scared out of her mind. First time mom with a premature infant, both of who have had multiple surgeries within the past month and a half? I’d be scared too! Bailey swoops in and saves the day, mommy to mommy, and all three parents head out with their miracle baby just as Alex arrives with all of his kids. And the cycle goes on.
Next week, BIG things are happening at Seattle Grace Mercy Death! Want a hint?