I know a lot. I have done a lot of research about binding, ways to stand to pee, packing, pronouns, and surgery. But there’s only so much I can do on a day to day basis. Figuring out who I am, that’s a full-time job, one which requires patience, but also time, time which I never seem to have. I am constantly working on homework, taking care of my horses, trying to be the best sales operator I can be (can’t wait for Black Friday). What room does that leave me to think about myself?
Very little. But is that more my fault than the circumstances of my life taking over? Probably. I have a tendency to avoid the big things in life, to avoid change and dealing with emotional hardships such as the death of my grandma and several of my best friends either moving away or not being able to return to school. I try not to think about those things, just keep pushing myself to get everything done, can’t break down, can’t deal with things because then I might not be able to keep going. And that’s more important than anything else. I have to be able to take care of my family and friends and do my work.
I keep wondering if I will just get to that point, as I did before while identifying my sexuality, when I can’t ignore it anymore. I don’t think, right now, that I want to. I want to become free, liberated from whatever keeps me in this specific place outside of where I need to be.
I have been taking small steps. I bind whenever I can. I wear only men’s clothes and try not to feel pressured by society to conform and wear female clothes when I go into a job interview or to a conference. It is hard to cross that line between earning the respect of your prospective employer through conforming or staying true to yourself and possibly not getting the job. The United States does not have an employment non-discrimination policy to prevent employers from either not hiring a person based on their sexual orientation or gender identity or firing a person because of a discovery of a sexual orientation or gender identity outside of the norm.
This next week, I have decided, I’m going to spend a little more time thinking about myself. I’ll share my conclusions, however small they may be, then. Within that post I will also be discussing the possible ways of binding and which ones I have found to be the most effective. So it will be an informative post. Stay tuned. I might reveal some options you haven’t found before. Until then.