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Thursday, 17 February 2011 04:42

Exploring Gender: Moving Forward

Written by  Cael


Last night I got out of the shower and realized how hot it was in my apartment. I put on some boxers, a pair of shorts, but then I paused. I thought of how nice it would be not to care about putting on a shirt. I thought about what it would mean not to have to worry about my breasts, about being modest or proper.

So last night, I closed my door and left the shirt off, just let myself wonder what it would be like if I really didn’t have all those worries.

Yes, men have it easier. They don’t have to deal with any monthly reminder of being a woman. They are less constrained by society in their looks. They earn more than women. They don’t have to worry about a world already set against them. And they can walk around with their shirts off.

I was thinking these things about inequality and expectations, but mainly my mind remained on myself and how I feel. And I feel like I would be happier with a man’s chest.

It is so hard to admit that, so hard to take that step back from myself and really see myself as I would have me. It’s so hard to think of the consequences, the challenges, the sheer magnitude of that admission to myself. I continually fight with myself about how much I want to think about these things because I know. I know how dramatic any change towards transitioning in my life would be.

And it scares me. I am so scared of the society around me, so scared trying to be who I feel I am would change my dreams. And my dreams have meant everything to me. I even looked at my best friend as I was beginning to write this post to tell her that I didn’t know if I could write it. I didn’t know if it would be too personal.

But really what I was afraid of was writing it down like this, writing down the admission and the fears, because that makes all these things I have considered real. It makes them possible. Mainly, it makes them important, important enough to challenge my dreams and my future.

And each time I consider all of the possibilities, it always comes back to that same choice: my dreams or myself. What is more important? How can I even quantify the options or try to make light of them? A pro-con list? There is no way to answer these questions for me, at least not right now. Right now, I need to work on not being scared so I can move forward, whatever that means.



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