Friday, 19 August 2011 00:00

How to flirt with impunity?

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Dear Sappho, I love to flirt but find it is usually a labor of love to flirt with other lesbians. Some are too politically correct or uptight to return the favor. Others take it the wrong way and act like I’m proposing we spend our lives together. Gay men seem to have fun flirting and they even flirt with straight men as a form of wordplay. Lesbians seem a little heavy-handed in the flirting dept. Do you notice this as well and how does one flirt with impunity, anyway?

Dear Flirting with Impunity,

Lesbian flirting is different in at least two ways. Choosing a mate for breeding is of little, if any, consideration. Many lesbians won’t or don’t flirt openly with women who are not lesbians due to homophobia and/or the fear of outing themselves.

Therefore, we usually see lesbians flirting with other lesbians in gay bars, parties, or among themselves. Impunity means to escape from fines, punishment or loss. Flirting is an invitation to greater intimacy and varies culture to culture and between genders. Playful, romantic or sexual overtones may include eye contact, physical touch, body language, laughter, flattery, and proximity.

Well, what’s wrong with that you ask? Flirting itself carries some form of risk, mostly rejection, but if the flirting party is already involved in a relationship, it may also bring resentment. Some cultures have as many as thirty steps in a flirting ritual code of honor from «first eye contact to the ultimate consummation.» Two things about flirting are certain, it’s a part of human nature, and it’s here to stay.

To some jealous or uptight observers, even the most innocent flirt could appear to be a blatant sexual overture. Warning: These people are not light-hearted flirting material. You cannot flirt with impunity with them or with their girlfriends. Flirting is usually harmless unless there is jealousy involved or a heartbreaker on a winning-losing streak.

Flirting is magical when done with a light touch, sincerity and without expectations. Alluring and charming in many ways, it signals interest and is a chemical reaction between attracted parties. In short, it makes the world more pleasant and lovely overall. It doesn’t even have to be sexual, artists, poets, and aficionados of many types flirt with their sports, arts, and interests using many of the same techniques that people use in romance.

How to Flirt with Impunity:

  • Be Sincere
  • Make eye contact
  • Make a higher-self connection
  • Start a conversation about something she cares about
  • Be interested in what she has to say
  • Compliment her interests, skills, beauty
  • Reach out and touch her
  • Exhibit confidence
  • Make her laugh
  • Tell her how much you enjoyed her company
  • Make plans to enjoy it again soon
  • Don’t scare her away by overdoing it

Some women have complained that it’s easier to flirt with men than it is with women. Men are more likely to make flirting obvious and push the physical boundaries. That’s what a comfort zone created by eons of support and entitlement get you. Confidence. Men are encouraged and society mandates that they flirt in ways that women are not trained or encouraged in. But lesbians do have the most important virtues, sincerity, interest, and a desire to make a connection.

Lesbians, in general, are more subtle, bashful or less sure than men when it comes to flirting with women. Of course, there are some lesbians that excel at flirting, they won’t be reading this, they are too busy flirting. Some lesbians lament the lack of clever flirting in large lesbian venues when being together is more like a collective or a community than it is a dating opportunity. It’s difficult for some lesbians to say, «I want you» as it is out of context for many women.

Flirting is one of Mother Nature’s ways of negotiating the next step in pursuing an attraction. The value, depth, and quality of the flirting itself depend on the emotional and intellectual maturity of the people flirting. It could be witty, subtle or coarse, adolescent or suave. It is the means we have to promote ourselves. The way a person flirts actually says more about their qualities and subtle skills than the content used in the flirtation itself. So watch yourself with one eye and the object of your desire with another. Good luck, have fun and remember, no expectations.