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Saturday, 19 February 2011 18:43

Just Ask Me...Spoken: Lezbelib Advice Column - Dating A FTM

Written by  Spoken Pandora


Hello, Lezzies Spoken here once again.

Today we have a huge question so I am just going to jump into it. K?

Hey Spoken,

I recently began talking to someone for about a month and some change. I like them for a lot of reasons being their personality and outlook on life etc. Well if i was to label myself I would say I am a lesbian and the person I am speaking to is a Male [FTM (Female to Male)]. He has told me a lot about himself so far but we didn’t get to the part of being a FTM, which now he doesn’t even use that at all, he calls himself a Male. [He also clues in that he is a FTM, like he says he don’t use T shots and he kind of sounds like a girl, i don’t want to say emotionally similar to a girl but he kind of is] I didn’t touch on that topic with him or even ask questions because this is new to me and I don’t want to offend him in anyway, I don’t even know how to go about it. [When we first spoke he said, you know I am a male and you are a lesbian, then he told me he can only speak to people that respect his gender]I speak to him as if I know he was born a male. [I was just going to go about this whole thing like, ok I no he is a FTM but now i will respect him for the man he wants to be.. but where does that leave me.. being straight? which i am not*]I am also WORRIED about how our sexual relationship will work out, I don’t think he got any surgery done down there but the way he speaks about down there it seems as if he did.

How can I bring that up? So my questions are, Do you Know information about FTM’s? I am conflicted, sometimes I feel like I am going against my sexual orientation because I am a lesbian and well he feels he is a heterosexual male. Is it wrong for me to be with a FTM [Male] if I am a lesbian? A lot of people in the gay community where I live don’t get this and I’m scared if I bring him around my friends they will offend him and I wouldn’t know how to handle it. Should I ask him about how he became a man and if he had anything done? Do I need to know that? I would be grateful if you could answer at least 2 of my questions, i know it’s a lot lol but any answers will help!



Hello Lost,

Yep there’s a lot going on here, however I do have some knowledge on the FTM topic. Aside from writing a week long feature on this subject many years ago I also have several FTM friends who have taken me under their wing and really explained all that they deal with; from the T-shots and their effects, to finding doctors, to dating, and the problems they face being recognized in the LBGTQ community.

Well honey let’s start with the small questions first:

1. If you are afraid of your friends not being polite around the person YOU are dating then honey how can you call them your friends. It is natural for friends to be worried and want what’s best for you. But the key to being a friend is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!! Now dealing with the subject FTM may be a little different when explaining it to friends. I personally feel that the animosity, outrage, whatever you want to call it comes from the lack of knowledge. So educating your friends may help soften the first meeting. And this brings me to my next answer:

2. You my dear need to be educated!!! I am a firm believer that if you don’t know something it is up to you to find out about it. So to help with this I have listed a few links that I think you should check out.

a. FTM International has a lot of information on their web site include information for friends and families of FTMs.

b. Transitions This website has stories, journals, definitions, videos, surgery info , and other resources.

c. Laura’s Playground. I found this website during my research years ago and it is still alive and kicking. This site is jammed packed with resources. There’s support group info, books, and a plethora of links to other websites on FTMs.

Now there are a lot of groups for FTMs and I have listed these sites in particular because I do think it is important to know what it means to be FTM. And I know that the people connected with these sites would be more than happy to speak with you if you are willing to listen.

3. Okay honey let’s get into the relationship part of this question. First I think it is important, no matter what the sexual orientation, gender, etc. to KNOW your mate. My personal opinion of why relationships don’t work out is because people don’t take the time to get to know the other person. With this being said, you need to know his story. Do not pussy foot around these things. You should not even be thinking about his package down below if you don’t even know who he is as a person, what he has been through, his story sweet cakes. You have questions that only he can answer for you.

I know, I know, it’s easier said than done so here are a few ways to start the conversation going.

1. Arrange a romantic dinner for just the two of you. Explain to him your feelings. You care for him, this is obvious to me. Communication is the key and open communication is the golden ticket. This dinner is your opportunity to expose yourself and really see how open he is to you. From my experience I have really found that if you lay the ground work a person will open up to you. Convey that you want to know him but and his life but in order to do this he has to help educate you.

I am leaving you with this one because before you can move on, i.e. going to events, conferences, etc. you need to know his stand on things, on the FTM community, and everything else in between. I think that if you start here your other questions will be answered.

Lost, I think it is important for you to know him. You cannot have a successful relationship starting off with secrets and taboo touch-me-not subjects.

Now as far as your dating choice dictating who you are – if it does you allowed it. You define you despite the opinions thrown on you by society. Will it be hard, yes honey it will be. But is he worth it? And I think you will answer yes to this. Everyone deserves to be loved. It is not up to your friends or families because once the door is closed it is you two behind it not them.

I didn’t touch on the sex topic because I think there are some other things that need to be worked out before you hit the bed room. Okay now I’m a realist too so listen on that romantic dinner talk about it. TALKKKKK….lol

He said that he can only date someone who respects his gender. I think by showing interest, gathering info, and allowing him to explain things to you shows your respect. Do not be scared. If he is not willing to talk to you about these things then how can you have a relationship? It may be hard for him to speak on this subject, but convey to him that you are open and willing and if that means taking time then that’s what you will do because you care for him.

I hoped I helped and I wish you two the best. Know that you can always contact me if you need someone to sound-off on. Please keep me updated.


Lezbelib is the online magazine that helps LGBTQ+ women to stay updated with entertaining blogs and breaking news about LGBT rights.