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Saturday, 05 February 2011 08:42

Just Ask Me...Spoken : Lezbelib Advice Column - 'Going To Bed Mad'

Written by  Spoken Pandora


Hello my lovelies, I'm here once again to answer all of your questions.

So lay your head on my couch, let go of your inhibitions, and share with me all that bothers you.

This week I have gotten so many questions that it was almost too hard to decide which to answer in the column this week. But rest assured, If I don't answer your question tonight, I will definitely answer it at another time.


My question is more to get your opinion of a situation. How do feel about going to bed mad? Me and my lover have our moments of disagreements and often we end up sleeping in separate rooms or in the same bed with so much space between us that we need smoke signals to communicate. My mom always told me never to go to bed mad, but in the real world that is next to impossible.

Sleepless in Bed

Dear Sleepless,

I do agree with your mom, never go to bed mad. However I'm a realist sometimes and I know better. So I think your question is more about how to stop it from happening than if it should happen at all.

One thing my mother use to tell me is for me to choose my battles. As I've gotten older I hear her voice telling me this more and more. I am a self-proclaimed brat (Yes I know hard to believe) so sometimes it is hard for me to be the bigger person and bow out of an argument. But I know for my sanity and for the sake of my relationship that sometimes I have to wave the white flag and give in.

Make love not war...Get intimate. Replace a hurtful phrase with a gentle kiss, a moment of silence with a slight of hand, that hot behind the ear feeling with a sensual gesture to remind her how much you love her. Yes my dear in short fuck the pain away and address the issue in the morning. And this is why I say this...Sometimes we allow anger to feed our words, emotions, and gestures. When we do this we are also allowing the anger to become us turning us into something far from who we truly are. That "thing" that we turn into dictates our actions with no remorse for our loved ones and because of this we do and say the hurtful that sometimes can't be taken back.

When we make love we are broken down to what I like to call our "truth". We are exposed, meek, forgiving, accepting, and our mind surrenders to the passion. What words we can't form are conveyed by a touch, a prolonged breath, or loving embrace.

That moment of anger we once felt may turn into tears and then erotic moans of forgiveness.

When you truly love her, you hate to hurt her. And yes I can even admit to myself, it is very hard to retreat to the corner or give in. But it's not you who won't retreat; it's the anger that won't let you. So how do you combat anger? Love it away.

Stop screaming because neither of you are listening. Stop throwing things because you are going to be even more pissed in the morning when you have to replace your favorite mirror. Stop calling her names you know you don't mean. Stop bringing up old shit - to forgive is to forget. And please stop fighting over small things and address what the real issues are.

We all fight, but how do you want to spend your time? Do you want to spend it loving her or spend it in silence because you said something so screwed up you can't take it back?

Say I'm sorry - and mean it. Ask for forgiveness. Admit that you fucked up. Tell her that you don't want to fight anymore and miss her touch. Be the bigger person. And last but not least ask yourself is it worth fighting about in the first place?

Well ladies and gents, it's about that time once again and your girl Spoken is signing off. Remember drop me a line, leave a comment below, or send your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.



Lezbelib is the online magazine that helps LGBTQ+ women to stay updated with entertaining blogs and breaking news about LGBT rights.