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Saturday, 09 April 2011 05:50

Just Ask Me...Spoken: Lezbelib Advice Column - My Girlfriend Is Not Out At Work

Written by  Spoken



I have decided that within the “closet” there are several little closets. Each with its own secret that not all identify with but many dwell within. There is a closet for those who identify as studs, those who dawn lipstick, those of us who were trapped and now want to be reborn in the proper flesh, those who teeter both sides of the rope, and many that fall into a spectrum that is as colorful as the rainbow that symbolizes us.

It seems that for many of us once we open the door of the first closet, usually the acceptance of our sexual preference, we then find ourselves trapped within another. The crazy part is that often time these closets are created by those who claim to welcome us with open arms…go figure.

I won’t pretend to have all of the answers; I think I have said that before. But I hope to at least be able to offer you some type of solace as you venture out of the door.

Dear Spoken,

My girlfriend claims to be out but I know that she does not tell those she works with that she is a lesbian. I understand what could happen to her if she was to let people know but at the same time why is it okay for her to acknowledge me after 5pm? It makes me feel some kind of way. I want to marry this chick but hell I’m afraid that no one will show up on her side. What happened to we could conquer anything and go anywhere as long as we are together?


Dear WTF,

Let’s be real hear, just because you have accepted who are does not mean that they aren’t evil bastards out there who will persecute you for being who you are. I am not at all justifying how your mate has chosen to handle it, but I do need you to try and see it from her side and then it may be easier to come with a solution that works in the favor of both of you.

I am about to give you a million dollar word of advice, COMMUNICATION.

Sit down with your partner and let her know why you feel the way you do and ask her why she handles the situation the way she does. When I say communicate I am not talking the late night bar banter. Sit face to face and speak. Tell her all the things you have held inside that are only noticed in those arguments that make no sense.

People handle things differently. There are some in the workplace that can be as aggressive or flamboyant as they want. And there are those who will be blacklisted for doing so. And this is why I say that you need to talk with her and find out why she has chosen the route she has. Only then can you move forward to a solution.

Dear Spoken,

My question is a little different than what you usually answer. I am a femme and have been out all my life. I usually prefer masculine women. I love going to see Drag Shows. I have been going for many years with my best friend who is gay. He is the one that first started me on the whole thing. We always go together and I never go alone…in the beginning. Now I find myself frequenting them and fantasizing about the Queens. I am becoming attracted to them and I am uncomfortable with it. I hear how bad they talk about the studs that date DQs I can just imagine if anyone found out about me. How do I explain this? Is there even a place for me? I am so confused and I don’t know what to do. Sending up smoke signals from rooftops, help me please.

Dear Smoke Signals,

I am a believer in truth and reality and the reality of it is that your truth is personal to you. No one can define what your truth is to you. But you are responsible for exploring this truth, nurturing it, and allowing it to be what it is.

First thing is first. You need to take a moment to understand what it is you are going through and it would help to be surrounded by others who share your same desires. How do find them? They are there and first thought… internet sure, but no. When you go to these shows look around you, 9 times out of 10 you are not the only one. For every kink, fetish, definition of relationship, and sexual preference I have heard I can say that there is no one of anything out there. It may not come running and screaming wearing neon underwear but it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Reach out.

Don’t be ashamed of anything you choose to do. It’s your body, your life, your preference. Will it be hard, ummm yeppers. But you know the cliché’, “Anything worth having is hard.” It’s true.

So accept what you are and who you are, throw a casual finger to the wind for those that will give you grief, find a support group whether organized or a circle of friends, and do you…

Well as usual I hope my words helped...please keep me posted and never hesitate to, Just Ask Me.


Lezbelib is the online magazine that helps LGBTQ+ women to stay updated with entertaining blogs and breaking news about LGBT rights.