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Sunday, 27 March 2011 23:00

Just Ask Me...Spoken: Lezbelib Advice Column - Old Flames Back Into Your Life

Written by  Spoken



Sometimes people need a “Come to Jesus meeting”. For those who don’t know what that means it is just simply saying that a person needs a serious no holds bar reality check. These are those last resort intervention type meetings. Although I write this column offering my advice it is ultimately up to the person posing the question to decide whether or not they want to take the advice I have given.

So why do I do it? Why do I post every week on the slim chance of someone actually listening? I do it because it is our responsibility as part of the lesbian movement to engage in the idea of community and help each other. Some paint, some lobby, some start organizations, and some preach on soapboxes on street corners. I write.

What do you do for the “cause”? Think about that as you enjoy another installment of, Just Ask Me…Spoken and remember that if you have a burning question that you need answered, contact me.

Dear Spoken,

A friend suggested that I write you and get some advice on a little situation I have. And hell since I am obviously stumped on my next move any advice would be helpful right now. So here goes. My mother use to tell me not to cry over lost love because if it’s meant they will come back. Ten years later she has come back. I’m married, I’m happy, and I love my partner. But when I saw her gain something came over me. She just walked into my gallery like it was nothing. We parted on bad terms and with no closure. It took a while for me to get over her. And after all this time I thought I had. I barely spoke to her when she walked over to me. I just stared as she spoke, talking about how she had known where my business was for some time but didn’t have the courage to come in until now. She just wanted to know how I was doing and if I still painted. She wanted to just see me, just say hi, blah, blah, and blah. I was in shock I think. She left her number on the table and said she just wanted to be friends and would understand if I didn’t feel the same.

I haven’t called and don’t want to but for some reason cannot bring myself to throw it away. What is wrong with me? I wouldn’t give up the life I have now for her but now I’m thinking about her. Anger mostly but there are a few moments…those damn moments.

What to do now?

It’s not unnatural for you to feel “something” when you saw your ex. You didn’t receive closer and as result there are loose strings that stem from unanswered questions. I have learned over time that sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It sucks but it happens. It seems that you have moved on with your life and my personal feeling is that it is selfish for an ex to walk into your life when things are going good for you and say, “I just want to be friends”. I do think it is possible to be friends with an ex, but I also think that it can be dangerous because sometimes they have ulterior motives. You ever broke up with a deadbeat ex to find that they have gotten their lives together and it makes you wonder why the hell they couldn’t do it while they were with you. Well it works the same for them too.

I can imagine that one must kick themselves in the ass for screwing you over and leaving especially when you have made it “big”.

But I digress. Do you truly love your life? Do you love your wife? Are you really happy? Then don’t mess up everything you have worked towards for a fleeting moment. If she wants to truly be a friend and know how you are doing then invite her to dinner with you, your wife, her, and tell her to bring a date. Your life has changed, you have changed, and more than likely she has to however the time for you and her has passed, if and only if you have truly moved on.

Be honest with yourself and do what you know to be right. You know the answer. You feel it in your heart. Go with the truth and not the fictitious lie we sometimes tell ourselves to justify a mistake.

I’ve repeatedly said it before, I’m a realist. Life has taught me a lot and is still kicking my behind. Sometimes those old feelings arise and tend to make our minds stray. But this doesn’t mean that we have to act on them. Maybe her stopping by was life testing you to see if you really mean what you say about being happy…?

I hope that I have helped.

That’s my time…goodnight. And remember that if you have something on your mind that you would like advice on, do not hesitate to reach out to me.


Lezbelib is the online magazine that helps LGBTQ+ women to stay updated with entertaining blogs and breaking news about LGBT rights.