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Saturday, 12 March 2011 01:13

Just Ask Me...Spoken: Lezbelib Advice Column - 'She Thinks I Am Cheating'

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What a week…the only thing perfect enough to go with this moment, aside from international coffee, would be a glass of red wine. (And a cig or three!)

I will be the first one to admit that relationships are hard as hell. I would say that it doesn’t come with a user manual however with all the self-proclaimed fix-it-all’s with their own brand of relationship books for dummies would disagree. I can however state that it sure in the hell doesn’t come with a welcome basket.


Relationships are hard and maintaining them is even harder. What you have to decide is if you are up for the challenge. Sometimes giving up is easier than asking the question if you should or not. At the end of the day when she makes that stupid face, or sings off key in the shower, or rushes by your side before you even realize you’re falling, can be enough to stay.

It’s not easy ladies. But then again like our mothers always say, “Nothing worth having is ever easy. And Momma didn’t make no punk!”

So lace up your combat boots or slip into your stilettos, cozy up to my couch, and tell Spoken all about it…

Dear Spoken,

I am at my wits end and ready to throw in the towel, wave the white flag, one foot out of the door, etcetera. She constantly thinks I am cheating. Every call, text, email, voice-mail is someone else. I feel like I should never had told her that I use to be a cheater. But I thought the fact that we were getting married, spent every moment of the day with each other, and everything else in between would make a difference.

My career has me interacting with all types of people regularly and I think this just adds to the tension. I just don’t know what to do anymore and its taking a toll on me. And honestly I just don’t know how much of this I can take…


Retreat first let me start off by saying love is a fickle, screwed up, hodge- podge of a beautiful mess and as I said above it’s not easy. Along with this let me also say that love makes you hold on when you want to run and for some it scares them so bad that they run when they don’t need to, pushing you out of the way. For those who push away I think that it is subconsciously and involuntary at the same time.

I have this saying, “Constantly pissed off due to my inability to chase ghosts.” I say this because sometimes when I realize that it’s their past that’s working against us it bothers me that I can’t fix it. But that’s the thing about ghost…you can’t fight what you can’t see.

I say this because part of your partner’s problem is that somewhere along the line someone hurt her real bad and her ability to trust is on the fritz. There may be things that you are doing that make her think of her ex’s. These small things that are making her remember her past are not done by you on purpose and don’t care the same intention, however it doesn’t matter. She’s damaged goods sweetie but broken doesn’t mean dead it just needs to be fixed. Unfortunately honey you can’t fix her. It’s not your place, not your package, not your ghost.

Am I telling you to leave? Nope you love her that’s obvious because we’re having this discussion. But it is going to take work on both sides. It may have taken her overnight to fall in love with you but it could take close to an eternity to gain her trust and you must decide how long you can deal with it.

I know it hurts to know the one you love doesn’t seem to believe in you but at the same time she may look at you and wonder why you bother to stay.

I see counseling in your future and lots of it. She must go back and reclaim the pieces of her that have been left in her past in order to be whole in her present.

This could end badly or good, I won’t lie to you. But if you love her fight for her but don’t loose yourself in the process. It may get to the point that you have to choose yourself and your sanity over her. You cannot fight her ghosts I say again.

Her behavior is not going to stop until she heals. You may have moments to breathe and these may be short lived. The issue at hand must be addressed and if she is not willing to meet you half way don’t think that you will be able to walk her journey for her.

I hoped that this helped and please keep me posted.

I say again my beautiful lezzies, love is hard but hell so is life. We must choose to either walk it alone or share the journey…

Goodnight Loves…


Lezbelib is the online magazine that helps LGBTQ+ women to stay updated with entertaining blogs and breaking news about LGBT rights.