By continuing to browse the site, you are agreeing to the use of cookies to ensure that your visit runs smoothly.

Friday, 25 November 2011 20:12

Sex is Not Love

Written by 

lesbian sex


Dear Sappho,

I am a single lesbian looking for true love. I live in Northern California and have no problem hooking up with other lesbians. There is a vibrant community here and also lots of online dating opportunities. The problem is finding a woman that makes my heart sing and my spirit soar.

I assumed that with so many choices I would have several heartthrobs - but so far my dates have been lukewarm without any life changers. I want deep fulfilling lasting passion and love. Where can I find it, if not here? Sex is not enough.

Dear Sex is Not Enough

Love is found within, not outside yourself. Sometimes what appears to be “love” is basically just lust. Dating is not love and hooking up is not love either. Lesbians often have a deeper, more passionate perspective on love that may be difficult to live up to. Having been raised by heterosexuals to become heterosexuals and secretly falling in love with other women, many lesbian women are disappointed with choices that lack mystery, deep connections, or underlying degrees of romantic intimacy.

Love longs to be courted. Love wants to be desired. Love is the journey and the destination. Yet there are usually only a few people in a person’s lifetime that elicit the type of passion and affection you are seeking. Infatuation is a gateway to love, but infatuation is not love either. You may think that you would love to love someone and once you get to know her better find that you don’t really like her after all, or find that you are incompatible in subtle ways that are actually deal breakers.

One example: a friend once dated a very “hot” woman who totally grabbed her attention and affection until the day they discussed paleontology and her new girl friend refused to budge from her position that the planet is less than 7 thousands years old. My friend was educated enough to know that the last dinosaurs walked the earth 65 million years ago, so in my friend’s words, “it was a complete deal breaker.”

Liking is more a part of sustained love than is initially apparent. Great sex is to be expected at the beginning of any new relationship. If it is lacking then, it will be lacking always. Great conversation and companionship are equally as important. Dating is a discovery process to love. Taking the time and energy to get to know each other, sharing what is dear and important are legitimate outcomes of dating. Refining the dating process means weeding out the deal breakers and concentrating on the heartthrobs.

Does she give you butterflies, do you find yourself thinking about her frequently and talking to her inside your heart. I think most women really do know when they are in love. We know the difference between someone who makes our heart sing and someone who is filling in until we find the one. Love is not a business deal or a time limited offer. Would she make a charming and compatible companion? The important thing is to be honest with yourself about how you feel and what will make you happy.

One day you may meet a woman who knocks your socks off, until then may you experience many varied and pleasurable encounters with women who meet the requirements your heart, body and mind are seeking. Dating is fun, but real love is true bliss. If you are looking for one person to complete you, that person is you.

Love Yourself,



Lezbelib is the online magazine that helps LGBTQ+ women to stay updated with entertaining blogs and breaking news about LGBT rights.