We start this week off in Mark Sloane's bed. I know, I'm sick of it, too, but good things come to those who wait. After a brief discussion with the baby-daddy, Callie makes her way across the hall to a fuming Arizona. Their fight seems all too familiar, doesn't it, ladies? The “you slept with someone else while we were broken up fight” which then turns into “I love you, but I'm still so mad”. Don't act like you've never been through it. Arizona takes the time to remind the audience that Callie is bisexual (just so all of those whiners in the world will hopefully pipe down about Callie sleeping with a man) and that she needs time to process before she can make any decisions. Let me just take a moment to mention that I love the way they have written Arizona and the way in which Jessica Capshaw delivers her lines, such as “I've got some not nice things to say” and “tiny humans”. She's adorable even when she's angry. Callie tells Arizona that she can't wait too long for a decision and Arizona affirms that she wants to be a part of Callie's long-term plan, but that she still needs some time to process.
Processing – (noun) Favorite lesbian pastime.
Back at the ranch, all the interns in the Chief's O.R. are tweeting along with Dr. Bailey's surgery instead of paying attention to the action going on right in front of! them. Aren't they supposed to be paying attention? No wonder the Chief has his panties in a twist. The Chief thinks they're all texting and suggests that they “Save that for the drive home!” I think Oprah might have something to say about that. Or, you know, the law
As Mark and Callie stroll into work Lexie rushes over to gush over Mark and make me fall just a little bit more in love with her. Come on, she's adorable when she's happy and peppy! Unfortunately we all know this cannot last. She is a Grey, after all. After she skips off in bliss, Callie gives Mark the option of being the “cool uncle” but he refuses and says that he is and will be the father. It's nice that he wants to step up to the plate, but I'm guessing he'll be taken out by a fastball once he tells Lexie the truth.
Alex and Derek are working together on Derek's Alzheimer's trial, which leaves Meredith a bit peeved as she thinks she should be the resident on the trial. Forgetting for a moment the fact that a married couple working on a trial together is a conflict of interest, Meredith's personal investment in the subject matter of the trial itself should be enough to formally exclude her from eligibility. Although, this would probably be one of the least corrupt things to happen at SGMW.
The Chief is on the war path about Bailey's Twitter-noted surgeries, but Bailey interrupts his tirade to let him know that it is “milkshake time”. Her milkshake brings all the boys...girls...interns to the yard? I'll work on it... Apparently the patients undergoing the broadcast procedures are asked to sign a release allowing the doctors to post about the surgeries. Twitter releases? Oh, the glorious new world of American medicine. (I wonder if the hospital has a sponsorship deal with Twitter...)
Arizona approaches Teddy, hoping for a pick-me-up, but once she informs her that she is “having Mark Sloane's baby” all Teddy can say is, “Oh, good Lord, he got to you too?!” After all, Teddy has both been there and done that. Unfortunately for Arizona, she is paged by an hysterical Callie who has decided to camp out in the office of the newest hot doctor to grace our screens, Dr. Lucy Fields, OBGYN. Mayhaps it's just me, but Dr. Fields (Or, as she will henceforth be known, Hot Lucy) looks an awful lot like Mark's daughter Sloane with a few years added on (though not many). I'm willing to look past how weird this could be in the interest of admiring the hot and quite witty new doc on the block.
Callie is scared and rambling and Mark and Arizona are volleying ideas back and forth about what could possibly be killing the baby. This child is going to have three doctors for parents and will probably never be allowed to play in a sandbox, eat a hot dog, or ride a skateboard...on bubble kid, coming right up!
Hot Lucy tells Callie that her symptoms are completely normal but cautions her against “intercourse,” prompting Arizona to shoot Mark a glare to end all glares accompanied by “Sing it” with so much white-girl attitude, I just want to give her a really square high-five.
As the race for chief resident rages on, Avery and Cristina are in competition to scrub in on Teddy's surgery. In order to win, they both try to prove their skills in terms of patient care and compassion. This is a polite, underhanded fight, ladies, the likes of which I haven't witnessed since the days of Emily Gilmore. I love it!
Alex and Derek's patient has an episode and yells for his “wife, Victoria”. Unfortunately his wife's name is Alison. Meredith steps in to calm the patient down since Alex is busy cowering in the corner, and we come to discover that the patient has fallen in love with a woman named Victoria at his rehabilitation center. What is it with Alzheimer's patients and infidelity? First Ellis Grey and now this guy? Eesh. Or, more concisely summed up by the ever-articulate Alex, “This is seriously jacked up!”
In Bailey's O.R. Lexie is the designated tweeter (wouldn't this piss anybody else off? She's basically been relegated to the role of secretary! Is this what she went to medical school for?) and even sticks to her cause in direct disobedience of the Chief's orders. Now that is some die-hard tweeting, ladies. Apparently there are 3,000 residents following Bailey's stream which is really impressive considering this is the first time we're hearing about it!
Mark barges into Derek's office to tell him about the baby which at first seems insensitive, until I remember that Mark is just being Mark. He tells Derek that the “cool uncle is only cool until age nine, and then it's just creepy”. True, though with the frequency at which everyone keeps using the phrase “cool uncle” I'm already a bit creeped out. The conversation about Sloanes being “unusually fertile” is luckily interrupted by a 911 page from Callie who still refuses to leave the exam room. Apparently three against one equals lots of unnecessary tests for bubble fetus.
The wife of the Alzheimer's patient tells Alex that he followed her through a snowstorm in college in order to talk to her. I know this is supposed to be sweet and romantic, but as someone who is currently stranded by multiple snowstorms, I must say that it is merely insane and slippery. The cold is making me bitter. Rant officially over.
Meredith talks about discussing herpes with her mother which she seems to think makes her a good daughter, but I just think it makes her even darker and twistier.
Another 911 page from Callie, the “hormone casserole” (man, now I am DEFINITELY adopting) allows Mark to be the good, supportive baby-daddy/BFF and we all give a collective “Awww”.
Apparently Avery will stop at nothing to win the prime spot in Teddy's surgery, even stooping so low as to remind Cristina of her sabbatical in a moment of pure cruelty. Fortunately, Teddy is human and scolds him before walking away. Haha, Avery, your baby blues aren't winning anyone over this time.
What comes next is possibly one of the best bits of dialogue ever written:
Chief: I'm trying to look at Bailey's teets on the internet.
Owen: I think you mean “tweets,” sir.
Chief: Eh, whatever.
Owen: Not whatever, it's important you get that one right.
He's right. If Bailey's teets were on the internet then you'd all be far too busy to be reading this right now. Owen continues to babble on about how GPS was originally developed for the Army, but I'm still stuck on Bailey's teets...
The Chief finds out that Bailey is currently tweeting her surgery and rushes off to put a stop to it. Cut to the O.R. where Lexie either has bionic fingers or is not really typing anything at all. Girl is speedy! Suggestions to help out with complications start pouring in from all the followers as well as offers of equipment from across the country that would aid in the highly specialized procedure required to save the patient's life. The Chief agrees to give it a try and Lexie does a little dance that makes me love her even more.
Avery rushes to find Meredith so that she can help Cristina who has apparently dissolved into a puddle after Avery's mean-spirited attack on her competency. She yells for him to find Owen and, as soon as he is out of earshot, looks up with a smile, grabs and apple and her labcoat, and Meredith realizes that her devious, conniving BFF has returned in full.
Next up Hot Lucy presents Callie with something she refers to as “the hardcore machine” to try and get a clearer picture and possible heartbeat on baby Torres-Robbins-Sloane (or baby TRS for short). Sorry but am I really the only one who would object to someone putting something called “the hardcore machine” into my vagina?! I don't care how hot she is!
The Chief begins answering tweets through Lexie the proctor and gains fans. Welcome to the twitterverse, @ChiefWeber. Multiple surgeries are happening so you know what that means: Lots of blue, lots of beeping, and our chance to get up and grab a snack.
Alex and Derek's patient is getting the placebo. Real wife Alison isn't going to be pleased. Fake wife Victoria will have her fake husband a bit longer. Cristina is operating with Teddy and Avery is fuming, and his only recourse is to pout. Boo-hoo. Hot Lucy finds a heartbeat in Callie's uterus and all three overprotective doctor parents tear up. A beautiful moment. I can see the Christmas cards now...
Alex and Derek's placebo patient wakes up looking for Victoria which breaks Alison's heart, but Alex gives her a bit of that false hope everyone seems so keen on lately and Derek congratulates him on a job well done. Alex quits and suggest that he hire his twisted wife for the job. Oy, here we go.
What comes next is possibly the most adorably honest rant/profession of love ever to exist in the lesbian baby cliché:
Arizona: Shut up. Just shut up! You don't get to tell me that we're not together. We are together because I love you and you love me and then the rest of it matters. We are together. And if you ever sleep with anyone else again, man or woman, I will kick the crap out of you. Now you sit your ass back down there because that's my baby in there and I don't want anything happening to my baby!
Callie: Your baby, huh?
Arizona: Our baby.
I think it's safe to say that each and every one of us watching this moment instantaneously crumbled into a pile of “Awww” and giggles and tears of joy. The “We're having a baby” kiss moment was a bit too identical to Tibette, but hey, I'll take it where I can get it. The scene concludes with talk of ripping clothes off and then actual ripping. Thank you, Shonda Rhimes.
Just when we think we can walk away with a smile, Mark decides that it's the appropriate time to tell Lexie about the situation while she is in the middle of a very cute babblefest about tarragon. Her reaction (after figuring out exactly how Callie has gotten pregnant):
Lexie: How the hell did you get me in this position twice?!
Hear, hear, sister.
So much happened in this episode, and yet I am left with some unanswered questions:
Where is Teddy's Husband?
Did April read my last recap and realize how awful that red hair was?
Is Shonda Rhimes now going to create an actual @DrBailey Twitter feed?
What will this poor baby's last name be?
While I don't expect answers anytime soon, I trust that next week's episode will thrill, entertain and depress me. Valentine's day at SGMW? Bring on the date refusal, the family drama, and (with any luck) the adorable lesbian reunion celebration.